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Sooner or later, everyone is faced with a verbal confrontation. How do you respond in a positive way to defuse the situation while preserving a relationship?

Too often, we get tongue-tied, or worse, "open mouth, insert foot."

Sam Horn has written scripts of 30 ways to respond to verbal conflicts in Tongue Fu!® (She also uses the same 30 ways in Tongue Fu!® At School for teachers, principals, students and parents.)

Why Tongue Fu!®? Horn is sharing a verbal form of self-defense applying ideas from Kung Fu (Chinese martial arts) to defuse, disarm or deflect someone's psychological attack.

In martial arts, the practitioner prepares in advance to respond to potential physical attacks. Sam Horn lists various verbal confrontations we are likely to encounter with suggested ways to verbally respond to them.

Parents and teachers often tell children to "use your words" for conflicts with siblings and other children. Sam Horn gives us words to use.

For example, try a "fun-fu" response using humor. A young man who was over seven feet tall wore a tee shirt with an inscription on the front, "No, I'm not a basketball player!" The back said, "Are you a jockey?" He had another one that said, "I'm 6'13" and the weather up here is fine!" He decided to enjoy his height instead of being embarrassed by it.

Many of us have a hard time saying "No." Horn says a key to successful relationships is keeping the needs of others and your own needs in balance. Make a visual scale by making a list of time-consuming obligations to others and another list of your own needs. If the list for others overwhelms your personal list, it's probably time to say "No" to some items on the list for others. Horn lists some approaches for graciously avoiding accepting undesirable commitments, including simply acknowledging the importance of what the other person is requesting and then telling one or more other commitments that are more important to you.

For each strategy, Horn includes action plans of "Words to Lose" and "Words to Choose."

What if the person you are dealing with is a bully? Horn has a chapter devoted to this difficult subject. If possible, avoid bullies. That's not always possible when that person is your boss or a family member. Notably, "I" statements don't work with bullies. Use "You" statements instead for them to be responsible for their own actions. It's important to be confident and assertive when dealing with a bully. A good offense is probably the best defense when dealing with abusive personalities.

If you're like me, you probably won't remember all of these scripts. Pin a list of those that seem most useful at your desk or your dressing room mirror. Keep a copy of Tongue Fu!® handy at your desk to study when you expect to have a situation likely to have a confrontation, like a meeting with your boss or a subordinate.

Buy it on Amazon: Tongue Fu!: How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict.

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